Trans Masc and the Relationship to Femininity
When you're trans masculine, how do you handle feeling "girlie" sometimes?
Being transgender is hard these days. With so much hatred coming our way, it’s difficult to even exist right now. With trans women being blamed for crimes they haven’t committed (but cis men have), and trans men being accused of being closeted cis lesbians, it seems like we can’t win. Add onto that the problems of being trans non-binary in the world today, where we have not only cis gender people calling us fakers and “made up genders” but also transmedicalists calling us this, and accusing us of trying to appropriate transness.
The Trans Masculine Experience
Most the time, transgender people start out life incorrectly gendered. People assume all people born with a vagina will be women, and all people born with a penis will be men. Sometimes? That’s not correct. Sometimes, we have to make our own decisions about who we are once we’re old enough to realize that a grave mistake was made. And yeah, gendering babies is fine, mostly from a medical standpoint—AFAB babies grow differently than AMAB babies—but after someone becomes old enough to express their gender, they should be listened to. Of course, that doesn’t even include the presence of intersex babies on the spectrum of development since sizes and varieties of genital configurations exist. Intersex people can fall anywhere on the gender spectrum themselves, just like anyone AFAB or AMAB, and in fact, they may be arbitrarily given a gender at birth and sometimes surgery to “correct” their genitalia.
I’m trans masculine, so I’m going to focus on that aspect. I grew up a tomboy—or so I thought. I enjoyed playing in the dirt, and even though I had dolls, I used to make up complicated stories of kidnappings and all sorts of things (shocking surprise I became a writer). I never really played the mother to my dolls. I just did what any kid would do and played with my imagination, which turned out to be a wild thing indeed.
When I had kids, I never felt that “motherhood” glow. I loved my children, and I’ll never regret having them, but motherly? Nah. I was also severely depressed when they were younger, so my gender identity was the furthest from my mind. I raised them, both autistic, and I did my best, and they’re wonderful today as a teenager and adult. But as I came to know I was transmasculine and got on the right medications for my now diagnosed bipolar disorder, I realized that I definitely had a more “masculine” attitude toward kids. I don’t really like babies and toddlers other than my own kids, and really more enjoyed the period when they could start truly interacting with me.
Discovery and Changes
My discovery of being trans masculine changed my life, and honestly, I might have transitioned fully to male had I found out and been mentally stable enough earlier in life. By now, though, I have this feminine side, and yes, I know trans men can express a feminine side too, but this feels different than just expression. It’s like my experiences of being perceived and playing the part of woman stamped something into my soul and it because integral to my identity. I found the terms of nonbinary and transgender and bigender, and realized that this is where I fit. I call myself trans masculine because I’ve accepted that a large part of me is male, but there is still a part that owns being female.
The Feminine Experience while Trans Masc
It sounds like something different, right? Feeling feminine but being trans masculine. I, though, attribute it to those small windows of time when my female side is front and center. When I feel that my womanhood is at the forefront of my identity, as if fronting for a while. My dress changes, my attitudes change, and I do things traditionally left to women like wear dresses/skirts and put on makeup for special events. I have pretty headbands and hair clips and other things of that nature, but it is rarely touched, to be honest. And really, most of my makeup is so old it needs to be tossed out since I use it so infrequently. But these female moments go deeper than just dressing the part. I am female at those times. And at those times, my mind always spirals into “maybe I’m not trans after all” even though shortly, I’ll return to a more male mindset.
The Every Day Me
Generally, I’m masculine. I do have a girlfriend (who is very much a woman), but we’re both asexual, so there’s no pressure in the relationship for things that drive wedges between other long-distance relationships. She often tells me “you think like a man” and even though I still go by her girlfriend, she is well aware of my status as being more masculine.
I dress in very gender neutral ways, mostly t-shirts, plain pants or shorts, and sandals during the summer, sneakers the rest of the year. I wear hoodies when it’s cold, but I love the color purple (obviously). I have more feminine items in my closet, but most days they’re passed up in favor of the more neutral clothes. I have some flannel and things like that, but I only pull it out in the winter.
Trans Masculine vs the Masc Lesbian
So, yeah, this comes up a lot. “How do you know you’re trans masculine and not just a masculine presenting lesbian?” This most often comes from those who don’t know my panromantic label, or my asexual one, as they assume if I have a girlfriend, I must be a lesbian. Which I can use that label, because I don’t have much interest in men these days. I lean more on the term sapphic, though. But that’s a whole other post.
Still, how does one know the difference? Well, there are a few ways. It comes down to where the “real” self is located. And that shows you the answer. When called a woman, does it reaffirm the gender, or does it feel wrong? Which gives dysphoria and discomfort, and which gives euphoria and comfort? It is almost intuitive. It is something you just know.
Trans Masculinity and the Divine Feminine
Another question people ask is about my pagan and witch status, since those are heavy into the divine feminine and goddess worship. And yes, all my chosen deity representations are feminine (Lilith, the Morrigan, Hecate, Kali), but I, just like the cosmos, require balance. I do revere Buddha, and sometimes Ganesh—and yes, I have practices with Hindu practitioners—and I know that the world and myself requires a delicate balance. The world, though, is out of balance, where I believe I have balanced my female and male sides. The world needs more feminine energy, and I believe that is where the power needs to be focused, at least until the world evens out.
Final Thoughts
It’s a deep thought process to come to conclusions about your gender identity and where you fit in the spectrum of gender. Like biological sex, gender has a spectrum, and we all fall within it. Some of us are more male, others female, and those like me, fall in the middle, in the balance. The key is introspection and knowing oneself in a deep and ongoing way. Development never ends, and one day, I may transition to male. For now, though, I’m happy where I am, and I encourage anyone else to find that spot, no matter where it is, that you can truly exist in happiness. and peace.